All I knew was hotel room after Cheap NFL 17 Coins hotel room, meetings there, situations there. I wanted to be filled bit by bit with love and empathy for other people who seemed to find themselves in the same situation I was in. They were lost. I was lost. I was scared to find out that I had no substance. I was baffled by the life around me and the lives people were living. It was as if they were telling me I was the fraud, the fake, and the poser. I still don't know how it came about, the writing part of me that bit. Now when I come to younger sister she is half otherworldly, half superimposed in reality. Now she is made of substance. God, why am I not. Why? So here I am? Why? I don't know what love is, what love is made of, why I am out of touch with that reality and I've been out of touch with it for a long time.
So here I am in London where the lights aren't as bright as they are in Paris and in dreams I was in Dominica. It was always playing at the back of my mind. There was nothing European about me although I had travelled on the continent. A man gave me advice once. I didn't take it. Oh, I pretend to listen and it's alright for them to know that I am just pretending too while they pretend to care about me. What are you thinking about in that intelligent little head of yours Jean?
I don't think you need saving. I think you're fierce enough to understand your circumstances, to grapple with the future that lies ahead of you, to take it on. Not many women can do that. Are you lonely? Even I get lonely sometimes. Sometimes even when I'm surrounded by other people truly living. What does it mean to truly live? Does it mean to be happy, and content, the weight of a ravaged country or mountain off your back? Money does not make anyone happy. It can make you, give you a certain sense of power and control over other people but coming back to you, pet; you give me that impression that all 'little Jean' had known in a way her whole life was suffering.
It is a reality I can't bear to face, to face this existence, this depression, this illness. You might think I'm brave but I don't think I'm brave. There is nothing heroic about miserable me I'm afraid. I sought out male companions who were pure of heart and failed miserably at that too. While leaves curled up (I too curled up in bed at night), shrivelled up (my soul shrivelled up), winter danced away and seasons passed, turned into the loving of summertime I took to Madden 17 Coins the streets again and little cafes. I casually observed the ballad of the human race around me and the wonder of loneliness.
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